02 May NAVIGATING YOUR LIFE: DO YOU HAVE A NUISANCE IN YOUR LIFE?
Moss Jackson, PhD
Psychologist and Success Coach
PRINCETON
Many years ago when I graduated college, I lived for one year on the grounds of a beautiful mental hospital right outside Princeton, NJ. It was great living there for several reasons. I was a research assistant learning hypnosis, the landscaping was hilly and wooded, Princeton University was only 20 minutes away, and Judy was still in college at Rutgers, not too from me. My room and board were only $30 a month! I saved a lot of money that year.
MY ROOMMATE FROM HELL
There was only one problem: I had a roommate who never shut up. He would talk all the time about anything that he was thinking. Living with him was like trying to drink water out of a fire hose. He was torrential in his talking. Besides, he was a “Know it all!” Anytime I attempted to say something or express a different opinion, he would interrupt, disagree or change the topic to his liking. In hind sight, many years later, I would probably diagnose him as having Asperger’s syndrome, which can manifest as disturbances in paying attention, reading social cues and collaboration. About halfway into the year, I tipped into a rage, got into a fight with him and threw all his clothes and furniture out the window. He was lucky I did not throw him out too!
YOUR NUISANCE?
He was my nuisance! Do you have a nuisance in your life? Can you relate to my experience?
THE VOICE
While there may be people in your life like my roommate who annoy and frustrate you, you at least always have the power to terminate or move away from the relationship. But, there is one “Roommate” you can’t move away from. It is the voice in your head that never shuts up, the one that keeps reminding you that you are not doing well, that points out your errors and continually gives you advice without being asked. It seldom says, “Good job, I am proud of you!” Instead it might throw you a bone and say, “Well, it wasn’t horrible but you and I both know you could have done better.”
WHO IS IN CONTROL?
This internal nuisance of a roommate is not going anywhere. You can’t throw it out and it is not interested in your points of view. It is your errant or problem voice that never grew out of criticizing you and making you feel bad. Although its original intent may have been to help you to improve and succeed in life, it does so at a heavy price to your self-esteem and well-being. Over time, it can beat the vision and ambition out of you. You could end up saying, “There’s no point in trying anymore. Nothing ever works and I give up!”
Before your tear up this post or go into despair, I will offer you some ways to coexist with your roommate.
CO-EXISTENCE
• Let it speak but do not take what it says as the truth. It is just a point of view.
• You could give it a name, or a shape and dress it any way you want. Actually, treat it as another person. In other words, see and listen to it as a roommate who has a long term lease to live inside of you.
• Start to listen or witness it, perhaps even writing down what it says in way of criticism about you. You could also thank it for sharing.
• Give it permission to leave temporarily and then get on with your day. Say, “I give you permission to leave, I give you permission to stay. I prefer you to leave.” Then take several deep breaths and give yourself some credit and a pat on the back.
• Say several things you are grateful for and savor them. For me right now, I am grateful for my health, my family, sitting on the deck looking into the cove and listening to Segovia play Spanish guitar on my Pandora station. How about you? What are you grateful for?
• Also, try to remember that you are not your voices. You are really the Witness and Observer to the voice and what it says. You are the Owner of the house and not a renter. Your voice is just a long term resident with a never-ending list of complaints.
Navigating life is great! All you need are a few basic skills, practices and a roadmap. I hope you can find some of them here in my posts and videos on Navigating Your Life. Let me know if they are helpful.
Love to you all,
Moss