01 Aug HANDLING RUDE, OBNOXIOUS AND OUT-OF-LINE PEOPLE
Moss Jackson, PhD
Psychologist Success Coach
Have you ever been embarrassed by someone’s obnoxious behavior?
Or hurt and angered by what sounds like a rude and insulting comment?
Do you find yourself tongue-tied in such situations?
DIFFICULT PEOPLE
Recently several of my clients have talked about their unpleasant experiences with difficult people. One had to do with a spouse who laughed in derision about her weight after several drinks in the company of friends.
Another client expressed her hurt feelings when her mother-in-law criticized her housekeeping skills and her husband just laughed and appeared to agree with the comments. She had a full time job and three small children to take care of with no housekeeping help from anyone.
WHAT DOESN’T WORK
The Victim.
There are two ineffective strategies that most people use that do not work. One is the Victim’s reaction of “bear and suffer silently”, which causes them to carry the hurt around in resentment and rumination for days afterward. While the Victim might passively think what he really wants to say to stand up for himself, he never deals directly with the offensive comments. He just keeps the drama all in his head and repeats the dreadful experience over and over again.
The Survivor.
The second ineffective strategy is used by the Survivor, the person who takes a defensive and angry stand in reaction to a perceived insult or slight. She resorts to a “tit for tat” retaliatory strategy, trading one insult for another. For example, when criticized for her cooking, she retorts with something like, “Oh yeah, who are you to talk. You haven’t worked a day in your life. You’re just a spoiled bitch who goes shopping all the time!” Usually, this triggers a counter volley back and so on. Both parties feel angry and resentful. This dynamic is most poisonous in extended families in which interactions are frequent. Every time everyone gets together, there is a lingering toxic emotional climate present in which people tip toe around each other until, someone starts the battle going once again.
THE KEY
I have found one technique very useful and effective in dealing with rude, obnoxious and critical comments. It is a strategy often used by Life Navigators, individuals who remain focused, in control and unperturbed in the face of an unpleasant comment.
It sounds like this: “Is it your intention to insult and embarrass me in front of our friends? Because that is how your criticism is coming across.” Then pause, take a deep breath and wait for an answer. No matter what the person then says, you are in control. Usually, they dance around their comment and change it to be less obnoxious. Sometimes they react by repeating the criticism even more negatively and stare in defiance at you. This is a perfect time to stand up and say “thanks for making your disdain for me so painfully clear. I have no interest in spending any more time with you tonight.” Turn to your friends or family and calmly follow up with, “Sorry for leaving guys but I choose not to tolerate my husband’s abusive behavior. I leave him to your care!” Turn and leave the scene. Perhaps you can even take an extra set of car keys with you so that you can drive back home while you leave the offending person to fend for himself. You have successfully confronted his obnoxious behavior, stood up for yourself and moved into self-care. Besides, he is now left standing naked in front of everyone else!
DISARMING
This is called DISARMING and is a powerful way to stay grounded, responsive and not defensive. There are many variations on this strategy. Try it out and let me know what you think. If you want to learn more effective strategies to navigate successfully in life, read my book, “Navigating For Success.”