27 Apr HOW TO SLOWLY KILL OFF YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Moss Jackson, PhD
Psychologist and Success Coach
In my practice, I often see individuals and couples wanting to improve their love relationships or to just figure out how to survive a traumatic breakup. Sometimes relationships break up reasonably fast due to a partner cheating and having an affair. Other times it might be due to physical abuse or addictive behavior. In these cases, the pain is intense and the crisis forces the person to take action.
There are other relationships that are not so in your face. These relationships instead face a “death by a thousand cuts,” many little hurts that gradually wear a person’s self-confidence down and traumatize the love connection. While it may not be a conscious decision to self-destruct, these relationship dynamics eventually tip the couple over the edge. While the relationship may have been dead for many years, it just takes a long time before it really falls over the cliff and crashes to pieces when it smashes into the valley below. Here are five ways to slowly but inevitably destroy love and trust in your relationship. See how many you or your mate might be guilty of:
- HITTING WITH THE KITCHEN SINK
Bringing up old wounds and complaints and hitting your partner when he/she is off guard. “There you go again, shooting your mouth off when you do not know what you are talking about. It’s like what you did ten years ago at my father’s birthday party….” Instead of focusing on the current upset, you reach into the kitchen sink of dirty dishes and start dumping your old upsets on your partner.
- STEALING THE SPOTLIGHT
Interrupting to correct your partner’s mistake. It is his story so let him tell it. If he does not ask for a course correction in the details, keep your comments to yourself. Stop yourself from saying things like “No, that isn’t exactly how it happened. Let me clarify and explain what Susie meant to say.” It’s her time in the spotlight so let her run with it, right or wrong.
- ABSOLUTES
Use “You always” or “you never” statements. Over-generalizations and absolutes are nasty ways to undermine your partner. Stick to the present and be specific. Try saying something like “when you corrected me at dinner last night, I got upset. I realize that I may not tell a story like you remember it but it is my story. I am requesting you not correct me in public anymore. Would you be willing to do that for me?”
- RAGING
Get rageful or contemptuous toward your partner. Losing your temper and making your partner feel guilty or shamed are both excellent assassins of love. Forget your manners and let it rip! You are upset so why not go for her throat and rip it out by being the biggest asshole you can be. You do not have the right to rage and humiliate your partner: this is Relationship Homicide. Instead, recognize you are building up steam and getting close to exploding. Just say “I’m getting steamed up and do not want to say something hurtful or stupid. I need to take a break and call a time out. I will talk to you later after I calm down.” Remember, the angrier you become, the more stupid and damaging will be the remarks that come out of your mouth.
- ADVISING
When your partner is upset and needs to vent, you cut her off and start giving advice. “This is what you should do. Stop letting your boss take advantage of you. You need to get a backbone and stand up for yourself. Tell him you deserve a raise and stop being so passive.” Do you really think this kind of remark is going to be heard as supportive, caring or helpful? No way! You are missing the point: if your partner does not ask for advice, do not offer it. Try acknowledging her distress and show some empathy. “I can see how upset and how powerless you feel about your work situation. I can appreciate your dilemma. While you may want to tell your boss off, you are scared of being fired. Tough choice to make. What are you thinking you might what to do to feel more valued at work?”
Relationships require considerable support, compassion and patience. Instead of pushing or expecting your partner to change, maybe it would be worthwhile to be a Relationship Navigator and take responsibility and think outside the box. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and ask yourself what your partner might want to hear from you. Each of us in a long term relationship is in danger of slipping into one or more of the above destructive relationship patterns while not even being aware of how we are inciting negativity in our mates. Remember, you are either adding to your emotional bank account or taking something out of it. Be wary of bankrupting your relationship account.
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