NAVIGATING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

NAVIGATING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Moss Jackson, PhD
Psychologist and Success a Coach

Welcome back to NAVIGATING YOUR LIFE!

YOUR PARTNER

A key success indicator for living an extraordinary life depends on the quality of your relationship with your partner. Life seems a little smoother and happier when your relationship is steady and on course. It also seems to more easily fall apart when you and your partner become disconnected and emotionally distant.

There are many books and resources about building great relationships. It is also a primary source of conversation between friends. What makes a relationship great and what can we do to enhance it for maximum happiness and connection?

THREE NAVIGATING SKILLS

I think there are three key elements that are necessary to experience the full joy and satisfaction of your relationship. These are Safety, Connection and Power. In today’s post, let’s look at safety.

SAFETY

Safety involves feeling a sense of mutual trust and knowing your partner has your back covered. It requires an ability to not dredge up old wounds or to clobber your partner when you get upset. Stay focused on the issue at hand, express how you feel and think and ask your partner if you are making sense as you talk. Also, stop trying to change your partner to fit your picture. If he or she does something that irritates or hurts you, just express your feelings and request that they stop doing whatever they are doing. If they comply, thank them or squeeze their hand. If they ignores you and continue, walk away and focus on something else.

CREATING SAFETY

I once had a client who complained repeatedly about her husband’s behavior when they went out to dinner with friends. She reported that he would drink too much and begin to verbally abuse and criticize her. In turn, she would angrily snap back and throw fuel on the flames. It did not make for a very pleasant evening for all concerned. I coached her by telling her to say something like this: “I’m not sure if you are intending to put me down and make me feel bad, because that is how I am feeling right now. Please stop or I will have to leave!”

She felt hesitant about being so open and bold but wanted to stop his obnoxious behavior. Threats and counter attacks were not working so she said she would give it a try the next time they went out for dinner and he became verbally abusive. That very week she had her chance. After several drinks of gin, he began to mock her and tell their friends about her faults and weaknesses. She stood up and in a voice loud enough for most of the other patrons at the restaurant to her, she asked her question. He laughed and continued his verbal tirade.

TAKING ACTION

At this point, she took action. She picked up her purse in which she had an extra set of car keys, excused herself and said “I need to leave and take care of myself. I feel bad that you all were subjected to this display of bad behavior!” She did not leave in anger, rather, she left to take care of herself and drove home alone. The next morning she told her husband if he had something critical to say to say it in private while sober. In the future, she informed him that she would continue to take care of herself and create safety by leaving him alone with their dinner friends. Shortly thereafter, he began to drink less, apologize for a rude remark and to treat her with more care and respect.

Sometimes you have to take responsibility for your own safety when your partner falls short. No need for a big commotion, just say what you are experiencing and seek shelter somewhere else. Do not waste time feeding the ranting of obnoxious behavior. A strong and stealth departure speaks volumes and forces your partner to truly examine their behavior and its effects.

LISTEN

Safety also is present when you listen with interest and compassion to your partner’s concerns. Pay full attention, do not interrupt and acknowledge what he or she is saying. Turn off your TV or smart phone and be present with your partner. Do your best not to defend yourself or to explain why you did what you did. It is your partner’s problem, not yours so give her the attention she deserves. You can always later express your perspective when you calm down.

Safety is essential for your relationship to thrive and not just survive. Treat each other with care and respect, take responsibility when things start to worsen, listen with compassion and stop defending yourself. It does little to help the situation and makes you look like you don’t really care.

I hope you enjoyed this first post on Navigating Relationships. Stay tuned for the next installment.