NAVIGATING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS #4: YOUR LOVE CONNECTION

NAVIGATING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS #4: YOUR LOVE CONNECTION

Moss Jackson, PhD
Psychologist and Success Coach

Welcome Fellow Navigators to this series on Navigating Your Relationships. In recent posts I have written about Safety and Power in your relationships. Today’s post is about the third necessary ingredient for a successful relationship: Connecting with your partner.

OUR KEY APPETITES

In my book “I Didn’t Come To Say Goodbye”, I describe how mammals, including humans, have evolved over time and developed a brain structure with an appetite for safety, power and connection. When these needs are satisfied, anxiety and distress lessen and we are left with a sense of well-being, calm and self-confidence.

LONELINESS KILLS

Do you know that loneliness can result in illness and even death? For mammals, our needs for bonding and connection are essential for our overall well-being, health and ability to function well with others.  Connection allows us to trust and love others. Growing up in a reasonably loving family helps our emotional brains to develop. Close relationships cause the release of oxytocin, a neurotransmitter that bathes the brain and all its cells in peaceful bliss. It stimulates and enhances interpersonal connection. Inconsistent or insecure attachment releases cortisol, the stress hormone which, over time, disrupts brain development and leads to an inability to connect with others later in life.

LOVEABILITY

Our sense of loveability is a function of positive bonding and nurturing relationships.

In marriage and long-term relationships we seek nurturing experiences, positive regard and care-giving. Unfortunately, if you were raised by cold, distant, uncaring parents you might select a similar mate from whom to gain the love you have always wanted. Truthfully, this involves too much work and is usually unsuccessful.

There are some actions you can take to develop a more loving connection to your partner:

EMPATHY

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and try to understand and appreciate his or her experience. It might be very different from yours. The danger here lies in your pushing your partner to agree with your perspective, thereby increasing her secretion of cortisol and triggering an avoiding or attacking reaction. Stop arguing your case. Make your point but also take the time to empathize with your partner.

LISTEN MORE AND TALK LESS

Talking is highly overrated. Powerful listening goes a lot further in promoting a sense of well-being between partners. When you listen well, maintain a relaxed posture and look with softened eyes, oxytocin will be secreted in both of you, thereby increasing feelings of connection and love. Listen well and your partner will be more inclined to listen to you. Bottom line is you get what you first give out.

TOUCH AND HUG

Vince Lombardi, the renowned NFL coach had a reputation for a mean temper and scathing criticism. There is a story about one of his players making an error that caused his team to lose a game. After the game, the player sat alone on the locker room bench, head in hands shaking and sobbing. Everyone else rushed in silence to get out before Lombardi came into the room. When he did, something unpredictable happened. He walked slowly toward the distraught player, sat beside him and draped his powerful arm around the player’s shoulder. In a voice loud enough for others to hear in the hushed silence, he said “You have had a really bad day and I know you feel terrible about losing us the game. Tomorrow we will work on making sure that mistake never happens again, ok?”

The moral: don’t kick your mate when he is down, show some sympathy and acknowledge his/her pain or distress. Sometimes a touch or hug goes a long way to reduce shame and self-loathing.

SHARE EMOTIONAL MEMORIES

Sharing tender memories from the past keeps to keep your connection alive. Expressing memories of love and carding help a couple to stay bonded through shared enjoyment and mutual appreciation.

CATCH YOUR PARTNER DOING SOMETHING GOOD

Acknowledge and thank your partner. Do it a lot! It could be something as simple as cleaning up the dishes or straighten things up. Take the time to notice and say something like “thanks for your help. I appreciate it.” This gives your partner a shot of dopamine, one of the most powerful neurotransmitters of feeling good. Gratitude, appreciation and a thank you all do exactly that.

None of the above suggestions are very complicated. It just takes conscious effort to do them continuously. Through such actions we build connections and encourage emotional bonding. These feelings do not just show up after the wedding ceremony. They have to be practiced and appreciated. Stay connected and you will feel better and be healthier. And, usually, you will finally get the love you always wanted. Don’t expect it; make it happen. Create it.

In my next post, I will pull these needs for safety, power and connection to give you a framework for navigating your relationship.

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