NAVIGATING YOUR RELATIONSHIP: THE RELATIONSHIP ROADMAP

NAVIGATING YOUR RELATIONSHIP: THE RELATIONSHIP ROADMAP

Baltic Sea, Beach Chair, Teddy Bears, Teddies, Sailors

Moss Jackson, PhD
Psychologist and Success Coach

THE BRAIN

Your brain is the result of a brilliant experiment in evolution over the last 400,000,000 years. It has evolved to a level where humans only need to focus on several key skills to prosper long-term in their intimate relationships. When we were in the hunter/gatherer phase of human evolution, survival was crucial. We had to always keep an open eye for predators and enemy scavengers. Starvation, freezing and death were close at hand. At this time in our evolution, the survival game is not sufficient to ensure satisfaction, happiness and peace of mind.

CREATIVITY

Yes, we still have to eat right, get enough sleep and stay healthy, but these capacities in and of themselves have little to do with relationship satisfaction. Nature and evolution have instead provided us with an opportunity to bring creativity into our key relationships through living as a Life Navigator.

NAVIGATION

In my first book, “Navigating For Success: Passion, Goals and Action,” I write about the art of Navigation, wielding passion, goal-setting, high power actions and resiliency to attain success and satisfaction. Success does not just show up. We have to do some real work to rise to the level of life mastery. So it is our challenge now to apply these ideas and practices, along with the three key psychological needs that our evolving brains require, to creating and maintaining long-term relationships

THE STRUGGLE

We all still struggle with knowing how to make our relationship succeed. The divorce rate for first time relationships is about fifty percent and it is even worse for second marriages. Most of us do not seem to learn very much from our first venture into long-term relationships. It seems, instead, we bring our old mistakes and then add some new ones to our follow-up marriages. In addition, as if making our two person relationships is not hard enough, just add a couple of children to the mix and see how quickly your loving bliss can get transformed into twenty years of servitude and sacrifice to your progeny. On top of that, we then may discover that our mates are unable or do not want to take care of us. It is a shock to run into the wall of reality, struggle with keeping it all together and find out it is not your mate’s job to make you happy.

BE A RELATIONSHIP NAVIGATOR

As a Relationship Navigator, you have an opportunity to bring value, compassion, generosity and nurturing into a relationship. You come to realize the three needs and related tools you will need to grow your relationship and remain an individual in your own regard. These three needs are Safety, Power and Connection. Safety includes both your ability to self-regulate your emotions, especially anger and hurt. Power involves the ability to possess strong self-awareness, clarity of thinking, perspective, problem-solving, resiliency, recovery from upsets, not taking things personally and perhaps the hardest, taking total responsibility for your relationship. Finally, Connection is the art of bonding and caring for each other.

These three needs must be learned and practiced over and over again as you get involved and stay committed. We usually do not learn them in our families of origin. Our parents had their own struggles and the prevailing notion then was more something like “be responsible, stop complaining and do what you’re supposed to do.”

TOOLS

In relationships, Navigators get to learn things like:

  • Stop waiting for someoneelse to take care of you
  • Take care of yourself
  • Be caring but not a caretaker
  • Get over upsets quickly, learn from them and move on
  • Give first, get back later and practice the law of reciprocity
  • Don’t take things personally. You are not the center of the universe
  • Your mate does not wake up every day thinking how to make you miserable; he/she is having enough trouble getting through the day themselves
  • Hug, touch and show affection…frequently
  • Catch your mate and complement them, especially in front of others

 

CHANGE

The bad news is that humans are still stuck in a survivor mode based on our genetic blueprint. We have not yet figured out how to live peacefully in the 21st century. Fortunately, we now know the power of epigenesis and neuroplasticity, our capacity to change the genetic script and to transform ourselves into Life Navigators. We have the power to create a new reality in our relationships through understanding and practicing the tools of Safety, Power and Connection.

THE TWO WOLVES THAT LIVE IN YOUR HEART

There is an old Cherokee legend called “The Two Wolves That Live in Your Heart,” which refers to the wolf of love and the wolf of hate. There is an ongoing battle between the two wolves. A young child once asked the Wiseman of his tribe, “If there are two wolves fighting, which one will win?” The sage smiled, paused and then replied, “The one you feed.”

FEEDING YOUR WOLF OF LOVE

Here are some things to do to feed the Wolf of Love and to create a new relationship reality:

POWER

  • Respect individual opinions
  • Appreciate and encourage self expression
  • Be a generous listener
  • Don’t interrupt
  • Listen more than you talk
  • Stop blaming and criticizing
  • Give up trying to win
  • Cover each other’s back
  • Don’t bring up the past
  • There is nothing to regret
  • Shut up until you regain your balance
  • Be your mate’s cheerleader
  • Remember that marriage is not an event, the wedding was
  • Don’t die on every mountain so choose your battles wisely

 

SAFETY

  • Your partner is not your enemy, your thinking is the problem
  • Be mindful of your stress level
  • Take care of your body
  • Cool out
  • Take time outs and recovery breaks
  • Do not tolerate a toxic relationship
  • Use your power to self-regulate
  • Practice mindfulness and meditation
  • Practice 5 things you are grateful for every day

 

CONNECTION

  • Be delusional and love your mate than he/she loves themselves
  • Touch or hug every day
  • Be a generous listener
  • Find shared activities
  • Create some mystery and separation
  • Don’t spend all your spare time together: find things you like to do on your own
  • Stop giving advice and just let your mate vent or self-express
  • Send small gifts or notes expressing appreciation and affection
  • Create a shared vision and live into it
  • Say “I’m sorry” more often
  • Don’t live your life for your children, you may lose your relationship in the process

 

Maybe we can call all this your GPS to navigate your relationship. There is no one formula to follow. We all screw up! But these three evolutionary needs of Safety, Power and Connection are essential for a relationship to feel fed and nurtured. There may be others but these are the ones I have found most useful in my work with couples.

I also offer a workshop called “Navigating for Success” one or two times a year. Let me know if you are interested and check out the video series I am assembling on Navigating Your Relationship. Stay tuned, it is all a work in progress. In the meantime check out my video posts and sign up below to receive more blog posts on Navigating Your Life!